I hung some tiny string lights above our bed a few months ago. Aside from my cat’s nightly efforts to viciously tear them down, I really enjoy the ambiance. (Nugget’s attempts at complete destruction increase whenever there’s a full moon, the presence of which I’m convinced turns him into a real mischievous dickhead. Foreshadowing… kind of.) I recently chose to relocate the lights higher on the wall and out of Nugget’s reach because 1) It’s hard to sleep with the sounds of his late-night violence and 2) I’m afraid he will eat them and die. Cat paranoia continues.

I was apparently feeling fun-loving and playful that day because I decided not only to reposition the lights, but to shape them into whimsical clouds. I made two clouds on the wall behind the bed. Because the strand was so long, I made another cloud on the wall with the door, which Justin faces while he’s sleeping. The process wasn’t easy and I used a lot of tape. The lights looked okay, but I would have to wait for it to get dark to get the full picture.

Nightfall. I walk into the bedroom and see the two clouds glowing behind the bed. I think, “Wow this turned out pretty well.” We lie down and I close my eyes. I hear, “Is that a dick?” I roll over to see a giant gleaming penis (not that one).

When it was light outside, I could clearly see the outline of the wiring. But now, when only the radiance of the lights and not the distinct shape of the wire itself could be seen, my innocent cloud art had morphed into a big (and impressively accurate) penis. Seriously, guys, this was the most precise, large-scale penis I’ve ever seen. Forget about the dicks your immature friends drew in their book margins. This was a thing of beauty. It looked like some sort of cutting edge avant-garde art piece. It also looked like one of our walls had a giant erection. I’m not sure why I’m writing about the penis cloud in the past tense. I have yet to re-shape the glistening phallus, mainly because I don’t feel like breaking out the step stool or the Scotch tape again. I also enjoy walking into the bedroom, looking at my wall, and exclaiming “Woah! Is that a giant shimmering cloud shaped like a penis, or are you just happy to see me?” 😏

My boyfriend now falls asleep with the soft glow of a twinkling dick on his face. Oops.