A man called and said to me, “I don’t know if I should talk to you about this, or someone who actually knows about this stuff.” Well guess what I’m your only option right now. And I might know more about ❤️ BTS, the incredible seven member South Korean boy band ❤️ than I do about the intricacies of the work performed here, but I know a few things about it, okay?

The man then explained that he would like to come into the office and meet with someone face to face. He guaranteed me that even though we are not holding meetings at this time, he does not have “the Covid” and in fact one of his friends is currently dying from “the Covid” and it’s an “awful thing,” but he would still like to come in and speak to “someone who actually knows about this stuff.” He also hit me with a “Do you have a piece of paper where you can write all this down? Are you writing this down?” which I see as code for “All of the words I say are so important they need to be memorialized.”

I should’ve told this guy I was unfortunately fresh out of paper (at my desk, in an office, with five printers) and that he would have to seek services elsewhere because we have no paper in our office, which houses five printers. I’m pretty sure if I had a voice changing apparatus that made me sound like a dude, the asshole on the other end of the line would’ve been totally fine talking to me and me alone. Maybe I will get one of those apparati (which I recently learned is not a real word but see if that stops me from using it, Merriam-Webster) and perform an experiment. Maybe I’ll put the voice changing apparati on the company credit card. Maybe I’ll file the purchase under expense account: catching sexist people in the act, expense sub-account: proof I’m not crazy. Or maybe I won’t go through with this, because the results of the study would probably be very devastating. And also because I don’t use the company credit card for personal things (although I would argue this could benefit the whole-of-society).

I will end this by saying I know things. And even if I didn’t know about the things you were going to ask me about but were too sexist to do so, that doesn’t mean that the things I know are any less important than the things you know. Or think you know. You know?!?!!