It happened again. A Super Bowl commercial featured someone stepping over the back of a couch, with a large bowl of popcorn in their hands, to join a group of their friends watching football. Why? Why does this keep happening? Who actually does this? Why can’t the person just walk around the couch?

Don’t tell me this seemingly unworried person is trying to pull off this risky maneuver because their eyes are glued to the television screen. They can continue to look at the screen while they walk around the couch in order to sit down. It’s actually more dangerous to try and HURDLE over the tall couch, with HOT AND STEAMING POPCORN in your hand, while simultaneously trying to keep an eye on the game. This hasty person has zero regard.

Also you’re not missing much if you do have to look away for a second. It’s really just two groups of men taking the game of catch too seriously. Sometimes they perform a joyful dance sequence for being good at catch. I think that’s fun and it livens things up a little. Adds some pizazz to the field. Some exuberance and character. But the majority of time is spent yelling abrupt commands, sprinting like one’s life depends on it, and pushing through walls made up entirely of human beings. (Correct me if I’m wrong here, but these are things that don’t sound so great on their own. But actually don’t correct me because I’m not wrong. It’s my opinion and I have a right to it, as do you.)

Anyway back to the carefree individual holding the gigantic vessel of popping corn. It is my belief that in reality no one is actually living their life this way. People are not straddling the back of the sofa and hopping over it with reckless abandon in order to get to the middle cushion. Why not? Well you might step on your friend’s phone. You might spill your hot, buttered pop all over the couch cushions. (Good luck getting that stain out. I would imagine there’s a lot of “blotting” involved.) You might physically pull something unless you’ve properly stretched or limbered up. Lives are at stake here. I am sick of your unnecessary and unrealistic acrobatics. Just go around.