Do you remember when you were too young to drink legally? When you wanted to drink so badly because it made you feel so much cooler? At age 19, it seemed like the consumption of alcohol made everything more fun and magical. There were no downsides (apart from the puking session that may or may not ensue later on).

I, personally, used to forage for liquor in college. I was a person collecting recyclables from garbage cans with a grocery cart. (Literally. I once took a sip out of my roommate’s vodka bottle that was in the trash.) I’d keep every ounce of liquor that I could scrounge up. I was panning for gold. I wouldn’t be embarrassed by these habits at all. In fact, I thought this was being an adult. My friends would come over and I would greet them with the eclectic alcohol menu.

“Welcome! Would you like a drink? Let’s see what we have here. We have half a bottle of pinot grigio that hasn’t had a cork in it for two weeks. Mmm, that sounds good. We have a single shot of whiskey… what else… we have what appears to be a full bottle of Three Olives fruit loops. Score! Am I right? Uhhh I also have some Juicy Juice and a crock pot my grandparents sent me if we want to get creative? I heard that’s how you make homemade wine. How much time do we want to put into this?”

But as soon as you turn 21, you don’t feel like sharing leftover liquor with your friends anymore. Game over. You get greedy because you’ve been spending a lot of money at bars trying to prove you belong. It’s a BYOB situation from then on out. When your friends come over, they look in your fridge and see one can of shitty beer and a frozen pizza. And you are not sharing any of that pizza.

Speaking of pizza, have you seen some of the pizza that is available to the American public nowadays? We have buffalo chicken pizza, barbecue chicken pizza, cheeseburger pizza, taco pizza, chicken alfredo pizza, and on and on and on. Eventually we will just be eating everything off of a fucking pizza. Pizza has just become a delivery system for another snack. Soon you will be able to order pizza with an ice cream sundae on top of it. It’s like the new pretzel cone.

“Would you like that in a cup, a sugar cone, a pretzel cone, a waffle cone, or on a pizza?”

“Uhh what? Did you just say pizza?”

“You want it on a pizza? We have deep dish, stuffed crust, thin crust, or for those looking for a healthy option we can also do the sundae on a gluten free, cauliflower crust too.”

(Also side note- Does anyone else think the whole gluten sensitivity thing is kind of bullshit? Like “gluten intolerant” is just a euphemism for IBS? I’m sorry. That was a gluten insensitive thing to say… I’m KIDDING. Don’t worry. Obviously I believe it’s a real thing. I believe the Earth is round and that we landed on the moon, too. I’m not a monster.)

ANYWAY, I recommend the General Tso’s pizza if you can find it anywhere. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten something so borderline blasphemous that tasted so delicious. Five stars (out of five). Highly recommend.