With names like “A Healthy/Mindful/Productive Morning Routine,” and “How to Wake Up at 4AM,” these videos have millions of views because people like me think watching someone else’s bullshit morning routine will change our lives. If you end up in a morning routine rabbit hole as often as I do, you will probably end up hating yourself for waking up at 11AM the next morning and drinking a cup of coffee before you drink a gallon of lemon water. (I know, it’s a sin.)

This is usually how it goes:

“I wake up super early.” Here’s a shot of the beautiful person stretching as the sun is rising and gazing at their Himalayan salt lamp.

“After some light stretching, I head straight into the kitchen.” This kitchen is so organized and clean it looks like this person has never cooked in it. Seriously, they have never so much as toasted a pop-tart in here.

“I open my cabinet and grab a giant mason jar.” Cue the white cabinets filled exclusively with trendy matching dishware. This person wouldn’t be caught dead using a souvenir cup. Do they have a mug that says something like “I Love My Jack Russell Terrier”? We will never know. They have either hidden it or destroyed it entirely in an effort to look cool.

“I fill my jar slowly with fresh room temperature water.” The person stares longingly out the window and reflects on how grateful they are for every single thing that has ever happened to them. Hell, they might even break out a gratitude journal and jot some things down because they’re just. so. grateful.

“I add lemons, ginger, and turmeric and drink the entire jar mindfully.” If you haven’t noticed, this person is #mindful. They don’t actually know what turmeric does just like the rest of us, but they will pretend they know by saying something vague like “you know, digestion” if you ask them.

“After I’ve had my water, I do three hours of mindful stretching and yoga, followed by one hour of meditation.” Somehow it’s still only 7AM.

“By this time, my tummy is getting a little hungry for breakfast. I eat one egg white and drink a green smoothie.” This person’s blender is always flawlessly clean, but we’ve never actually seen the laborious task of scrubbing it. I guess they think it’s too hard to look sexy cleaning a blender. (I, for one, disagree. I personally look hot as hell when I clean mine.)

My HUGE breakfast gives me tons of energy for my next two hours of exercise. And that’s it! I’m ready to take on the day!” Like and subscribe, like and subscribe.

Substitute the lemon water for hot green tea. Substitute the mindful stretching for a half-marathon. It’s all the same. You get the gist. You’ve seen it. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with having a morning routine. Routines are not bad things. I have nothing against lemon water. In fact, I enjoy it. Gratitude is not an issue. I don’t have a problem with meditation.

I have a problem with people editing their lives so heavily that it doesn’t include any of the messy, very REAL parts that everyone has to deal with on a daily basis. You’ve altered your reality so much that it doesn’t even look believable anymore. And then you double down by trying to sell it to other people as real life. People watch these videos and they think they’re in the wrong for actually living.

SO DON’T BE AFRAID TO DRINK YOUR COFFEE BEFORE YOUR WATER. DON’T BE AFRAID TO SLEEP IN ON SATURDAY. And if you hate green smoothies, don’t drink them. No one wants to clean kale out of their blender anyway.